New York Neo-Futurists

Leap Day is silly. February is silly. The whole damned year is bizarre, at best. The clock is standardized. Rulers are standardized. Weeks are standardized. Why are months and years so wack? We need a new, more sensible way of tracking our days.

Founding NY Neo-Futurist Chris Dippel offered this brilliant re-design of the Gregorian Calendar, which is confusing and erratic: 31 days here, 30 here, 28 here, sometimes 29, holidays fucking EVERYWHERE. I will summarize Chris’ plan here:

1. Make every month exactly 28 days.
2. Every day falls on the same day of the week (e.g. The 1st is always Sunday; the 19th is always a Friday. Always.) 
3. Add a 13th month (called, say, Trisember)
4. 28 times 13 is only 364 days, SO we will add one extra day at the beginning of the year. This will be New Year’s Day holiday. It has NO DAY OF THE WEEK. It just IS. 
5. During Leap Years, we will suspend the calendar for New Years for 48, instead of 24, hours! This will be called Super New Year’s Day
6. No more current holidays! (Chris says “No more arguing about who deserves a holiday named for them, or calculations about Easter, or regional decisions about Rosh Hashanah”) The 26th of every month (always a Friday, btw) will be a national holiday. That is 13 national holidays! 

Simple! and know that your next national holiday isn’t until May 28. Under Chris’s proposed calendar, today would be Wednesday, March 4, and you would have THREE more national holidays before then (the 26th of March, April, and May!) Support the Neo-Futurist Calendar. Write your Senator!

It’s Twitter Plays CLIII! This week’s assignment was: write a 1-tweet play that takes place during a WAR/BATTLE.

Here are your plays starting with @Blueskyfox who wrote the WAR HORSE I would have rather seen.

@Blueskyfox:
(A trench,WWI) SOLDIER:Wait—u’re really a woman pretending to b a man pretending to b a soldier?!? How madcap! Julie:It’s a farce!

@thebaronessa:
Joey: Neigh! Topthorn: Whinny, neigh, snort. Joey: Neigh neigh whinny grunt? Topthorn: Whinny neigh snort snort whinny. NEIGH!

@mopula1:
Lover: We’re pawns in a deadly game. STOP Fighter 1: Want2 but can’t, doing my duty. Figher 2: I’m a psycho, sanctioned killing’s 4me

@BoomboxMolly:
2 soldiers point guns@each other, heavy breathing,scared.Finally, 1 wavers.Land Locked Blues plays.They slowly lower guns in unison.

@SteveMielczarek:
I bet they’re hiding chemical weapons down there. Biologicals too. I bet they have some “dirty” bombs down there. Mole scum.

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© 2008 Erica Livingston 

Erica stands behind a podium. During the short monologue she takes off her makeup, applies moisturizer, eye cream and begins applying lotion to her body.

My grandmother takes very good care of herself. Before bed and after her shower she washes her face and uses her toner and then heavily moisturizes her face. Then she applies lotion all over her body taking special care of the rough spots like her elbows and the backs of her arms and her knees. This is I guess why her skin in the softest sweetest skin I have ever had the pleasure of touching. This is also why she looks like she’s in her sixties when in fact she is 85. If I took this much care of myself every night I would look younger than my twelve-year old daughter.

Erica tosses the lotion on the ground and falls behind it to the floor.

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Health Tip: If you eat some yogurt rather than ordering out for lunch just one time this week, you’ll feel better*. Also, you’ll have a few extra dollars in your checking account.

Oh hey, since those dollars are just collecting dust in your bank account (come on, you and I both know interest isn’t what it once was), why don’t you throw some green in the direction of the New York Neo-Futurists’ upcoming full length hip hop musical bonanza that just happens to be about VIDEO GAMES. 

Pledge some dollars to our RocketHub Campaign right here.

We’ve logged countless hours playing games like Zork, Adventure, Legend of Zelda, & Minecraft, and listened to more hip hop than you can shake a stick at to make one helluva a fist-pumping reason to leave your apartment this spring. Put some money in the piggy bank, and sit tight until spring.

*We can’t back up this statement with any medical fact, but presumably, if you’re ordering out, you’re ordering something delicious and greasy, like cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout, which will give you tummy aches and a propensity to use overuse commas in sentences, hence, yogurt is probably better.

It’s Twitter Plays CLII! This week’s assignment was: write a 1-tweet play that takes place in the OLD WEST.

Here are your plays starting with @EvermirePlays and a flashback to the lawless cola wars of the 1980s.

@EvermirePlays:
Man-Give me a sarsaparilla. Barkeep-Sorry, all we have is New Coke. (Man’s face melts off)

@ShaneStraw:
(Horse enters) Man-Hey, why the long face? Horse-You know what? That’s racist. Rev. Sharpton-We demand a public apology.

@sgnp:
LIGHTS UP: Two cowboys, on horses. Cowboy #1: I keep thinkin’ it’s Tuesday. Cowboy #2: It IS Tuesday. Cowboy #1: (To Horse) Told ya.

@NFlemingPlays:
MEL: Where’d you get them spurs, fella? BUD: Off a corpse of some pan-handling fool. MEL: Shiny. BUD: That’s the new style ain’t it?

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© 2008 Eevin Hartsough 

This play is ideally done with 5 neos - Eevin plus four - although it could be done with three. Eevin stands center and is flanked by pairs of neos holding up pictures of the celebrities they (and Eevin) are talking about as points of reference. 

Eevin: I want you to know that I, too, am prone to mistakes and mixups. So in order to help you avoid some of the embarrassing situations I’ve suffered, I offer the following: 

1 & 2 enter. 

Eevin: Gertrude Stein did NOT masquerade as a playboy bunny. That was Gloria Steinem. 

1: Stein - American avant-garde writer and art collector who lived in Paris and was friends with Matisse, Picasso, Thornton Wilder and Earnest Hemingway among others. Heavyset unattractive lesbian. 

2: Steinem - American feminist icon, writer and journalist. DID go undercover at the playboy mansion - as depicted in the ABC TV movie “A Bunny’s Tale.” Married to Christian Bale’s dad and kind of a hottie herself, actually. 

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We’ve got a 2012 high of 11 new plays in the menu, a brand new Jeffrey Cranor, all spiffed up and shined and full of gas, and did you know Stephen Colbert was almost a Neo-Futurist once?

New plays: 

Six short scenes (possibly) about politics by Rob

The Maids on East 4th (with apologies to Jean Genet) by Cecil

 When I told a bartender I was happy, he asked which drugs I was on. by Kate

You Can Try to Look for Answers, But Housekeeping Comes First by Dan

Greek Tragedy. Greek Chorus. by Cara

Unpopular Comments: Puppy Proxy Vignettes by Jeffrey

Drinking Games for Drunken Wordsmiths, a Highbrow Sesame Street for Grownups by Cara

Sharing the spotlight with Jeffrey Cranor by Ricky

Maybe it would have sounded better with a classy British accent (feat. kittens)? by Jeffrey

Where’s your ♥ [Redacted] by Rob

[Previous Play] Talk Back by Kate

Come to the show and, as always, we will order pizza, gad around, and drag you up onstage to experience the heat of the spotlight. 10:30 tonight and tomorrow night at The Kraine

It’s Twitter Plays CLI! This week’s assignment was: write a 1-tweet play that features a VERY LARGE AMOUNT OF CASH.

Here are your plays starting with @bilald and a quick refresher on how the financial industry works.

2 from @bilald:
Man: I need to deposit this check for $1 Zillion. Bank: Sorry, we only accept bonds and securities in that amount.
&
(MacArthur winner gets grant in small bills. Lays them end-to-end across Nebraska. Sets them ablaze. Genius is affirmed.)

@newageamazon:
(setting: a greeting card company) a: Happy Valentine’s Day! (dives into a swimming pool full of hundred dollar bills)

@glhunt31:
Banker: Sit down & we’ll discuss your account. Man: But there’s a huge pile of cash in the way. Banker: That’s just my firelighters.

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It’s Twitter Plays CL! This week’s assignment was: write a 1-tweet play that is ADAPTATION of an EXISTING STORY/PLAY.

Here are your plays starting with @sgnp. Twitterplays. Amirite?

@sgnp:
Single spot on a mic stand. Hamlet: To be, or not to be. THAT guy knows what I’m talkin’ about. - Hamlet, Clown Prince of Denmark

@epfeffin:
ALL: Party! 1: Check out my wife. Life is awesome. 2: That guy who died once was soo hot. 1: What’s with this snow?

@GinnyHolladay:
(lights) Godot: Where are they? (boy enters) Boy: They said they were waiting for YOU! (Godot plants face in palm) (Lights down)

@10000th:
Wanda[in furs]: Pet my dogma, dog. Bartleby: I prefer not to. W:But..but…B: But nothing. Butt, my ass. No is no. W[disrobes]: No?

@NFlemingPlays:
JORGEN: Sorry darling, life doesn’t seem to be turning out as we planned. HEDDA: Whatevs. *Hedda walks offstage and shoots herself*

@DrSomething:
Woyzeck: I’m overwhelmed by poverty and mental illness. Dr: Here’s a safety net; eat only peas! [W murders mistress, drowns self] 

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It’s Twitter Plays CXLIX! This week’s assignment was: write a 1-tweet play that features a SENTIENT MACHINE.Here are your plays starting with @NickCasaliniand his marble-smooth pickup lines.

@NickCasalini:
Nick checks out Vending Machine. VM: “You’re such a creeper.” N: “But at least I’m a creeper for your insides.” N inserts $1 slowly.

@adam_smith:
Robot picks up tattered teddy bear & cradles it, sheds an oil tear. Robot looks to audience. ROBOT: DON’T LOOK AT ME.

@laurincredible:
MACHINE: What are your plans after Thanksgiving, Keanu? KEANU: Nothing. November is all I know, and all I ever want to know.

@Dav3Ston3:
PS:That’s it baby, put it in me. Harder! Now blow on it! B: You’re the hottest pencil sharpener in the office! PS: Tell your friends.

@thebaronessa:
Twitter: :) Facebook: :P Twitter: :$ Facebook: :( Twitter: :/ :/ :/ Facebook: :S Twitter: >:/ Facebook: :@ Twitter

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